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Thursday, June 28, 2012

Hot Hot Hot!

And smoky to boot! But as we all know, I'm an Alaska kid with thick blood so I'll whine minimally about this as I sit under the A/C awaiting the house to cool this evening enough to turn them off and plug in the window fans.

I'm sorry I've been slacking on writing here, but today I have a subject. I responded to someone's online post and received an email in return regarding my "advice" on break ups. Relax, I'm not breaking up but I didn't realize that some viewed me as sagely in this department. Not sure if I want to consider the fallout of those opinions yet but I thought I'd share my thoughts on the process.

I've only been through a couple "large" break ups. And by large I don't mean that they were Krakow like volcanic eruptions, but they were the ending of multi-year relationships that shake a person down to their core. Their core, you say? Y-E-S, their core. When you have spent so much time wrapping your life around another's your own core tends to start leaning towards them, and when you suddenly tear that away, you have nerves left raw and exposed. Due to this, we have some grieving/mourning and healing to do before we are able to move on in our lives.

And due to this, along the way I discovered that I have a few "rules" I've fell into while in this process myself.

1. Have that night out with your friends where you drink and bitch. If you need to, even get a bit skunked, but that's it. Stop with the alcohol and anything else you do that might be a downer. If you continue in this because it feels good, you're going to become that bitter bitch that sits by themselves at the end of the bar griping about the wrongs you've been done that no one likes hanging out with, Not only is the alcohol a factor, but the mindset this puts you into is.

2. Don't be that person that gripes about the ex at every turn. No one likes that person. Yeah yeah, poor you. I've got news for you, it took two to get into that relationship, and two to screw it all to hell. That sounds harsh, because it is. It's especially harsh when something dawns on you and you realize what a raging @$$hole you were and that maybe your role as victim isn't as all encompassing as you thought it was. Believe me, I've had plenty of these epiphanies, and they suck. They suck even more when you realize you're repeating the behavior.

3. Don't stay at home moping. Get out! Get in the fresh air and breathe deeply and relax. Go for a walk, run, or just find reasons to be away from the house. I found myself taking a good book to a favorite restaurant for a bite to eat before heading to a movie. It was just time to be away from the house. You're going to find the more you do it, the more comfortable you'll be, and the happier you'll be, and others gravitate towards happy people.

4. Don't jump right into dating or another relationship. I think this is the most important thing right here. You just tore you're life apart and are on your own again. I've noticed how after a relationship, especially if I tried throwing myself into it to make it work, I've lost site of who I am as a person on my own. I've forgotten some of my favorite past times, and more importantly, I've forgotten I'm not the horrid bastard they think I am and that I actually like me. So, I take the time to relearn who I am. Not only have I lost site of me, but through the transformation of single person, dating person, couplehood then being single again, I've changed. You can't go through all that and not, and I need to take the time to relearn who I am. I can't go into another relationship and expect it to work if I don't know who that is in the mirror and what they'll put up with and won't.

This last step is where that whole learning from our mistakes comes in, and recognizing our role in that last break up, because I promise you, you had a role in it. If you were waking up every day and interacting with the other person, you had a role in how things happened. It's easy to feel wronged, it's so much harder to realize that you may have made someone else feel wronged. But a successful relationship won't happen unless you work on being more self aware, and aware of your role in the next one.

The only other advice I have is, have hope. Shit happens and I hope if being a part of a couple is a goal for you, you find the other person that makes it work for you. Be happy as much as possible for like I said, people gravitate towards happy people. I always ended up in relationships when I reached that phase where I was comfortable with me, and happy being single.

I by no means am a relationship guru, but was asked to put this out there. They are the rules that worked for me. Maybe they might work for another. Mind you, they're not rules to find happiness with another, they're rules to recover after a break up and find happiness with yourself.


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