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Friday, May 2, 2014

The Evil Inside Me

Okay, maybe evil is a strong word for it. Let's call it the Little Despicable Me inside. What exactly am I talking about, you ask? You know, that little voice in the back of your head that says all the things you really want to, but the rest of you just smiles and locks your jaw or says something polite. Yeah, I wish that more polite part of my personality were a more prevalent aspect of my personality like a regular person at times. Nope, instead the Little Despicable Me often seems to be wired directly to my mouth.

Or I get a crazy thought when I see something and run with it. Such as you may ask? Well... remember the Cunt Cake?
Yyyyeaaaah, that would make a great topper for my birthday cake, or so I thought. Then I have that awkward moment when someone giggles and guffaws then gets all serious and asks, "What's a cunt cake?" Do I tell them to go home and look it up or explain the naughty play on words and that a good friend knew I would love that when she sent it to me? No....  The despicable little me pipes up and says "Well you know what a bundt cake is? It's similar just more oval."  Yeah, funny at the moment right? What about when that person who is now under the impression that this is what an oval bundt cake is called, walks into Macy's kitchen area and asks for a "Cunt Cake" pan. Okay, so it will still be kind of funny, but awfully embarrassing to them I'm sure.

So this week, the Despicable Little Me has popped up a couple times. Yesterday looking for an outdoor sports shop I saw a sign for a law firm called Trott & Trott and I think, "Yeah, attorneys give me diarrhea too".  While we're on this subject, who came up with "The Trots" as a nickname for that particular gastro intestinal ailment? I always wondered that myself. My best guess was it was due to the fact that it makes you "trot" to the bathroom before you messed yourself. You can't run or you will mess yourself, and you dare not dally, so you trot.

Then I get to the store the other night and realize that I'm going to be working late a couple nights this week so I need to get some snacks and easy healthy dinners. As I'm heading through the isles I look down into a sale bin at the end of an isle and see some bars by a company called 2 Mom's in the Raw. They were healthy looking, low calorie whole food bars so I grab one of each flavor before heading to the automated check out line. They're in the sale bin, right? If I don't like them, no big deal.

So there I am, ringing myself up and their automated lines speak to you saying how much each item is. I rang up the first bar. Mind you, it's a little snack bar, and the check out stand says in her pleasant 'your an idiot' voice, "Four dollars, nineteen cents" and I said "What the F#$%?" Actually I didn't say that. I kind of started at the machine for a second before the woman behind me in line asked, "Was that price for all of them?" Then Despicable Little Me raised his ugly head.

My response? Something along the lines of, "Per bar." and I began digging the other bars out of my basket to leave on the check out stand as that little bastard in my head continued, "Two Mom's in the Raw? Well those two nasty girls better start turning tricks on the side if they expect that little business endeavor to get off the ground. Especially since we know they put out."

Luckily for me, the woman behind me in line had a brassier sense of humor because she laughed and agreed. But as I was bagging up and walking out I thought, "Really Q, that wasn't the most appropriate thing to fly out of your mouth." Is this surprising? No, not at all. Nor would it have been the first time that I've shocked someone into silence with a bawdy comment or five. But there are times I wish I had more power over stopping the words before they spilled out of my mouth. Something along the lines of the thought might still spout forth, but maybe with some better word choices, or at least give me time to look around to spot little ones. I would hate for a kid to go home and tell her own mother that "She should turn tricks because after all, we know she puts out."

On the other hand, it has come in handy a time or two as well. Just lately my willingness to discuss most anything anywhere made me realize there is a social group that I will likely pull back from a bit. A couple people are great and I will continue socializing with them regularly, but some of the others are a bit too straight laced for me. The conversation topic that really called my attention to this wasn't even bad, and yet it seemed to ruffle feathers. All I could think of was, "Really, that bothered you, you obviously didn't raise any boys in your house.

I don't know why, but boys ripen parents sense of humor. Well, the parents that I like to be around anyway.  There is something about the things boys do, like laugh at farts and belches and try to get you to sniff smelly things that just loosens parents senses of humor. No, I'm not going to say Mom's sense of humor. I know a bunch of men that are stodgy and uptight too. They long grew out of that joyful age of male idiocy and have sense found the male imbecile stage that rarely has humor in it. That's the stage where they should be thankful their spouses don't smother them in their sleep with their pillow. But those mothers of little boys, know what I mean.

The other day a coworker was telling me about her son chasing her daughter around the house with his athletic cup telling her to smell it. This is gross, I admit, but pretty normal for a young teenage brother to do to an older sibling, especially a girl. I asked her what her daughter did, and she responded that she screamed and ran away yelling for a parent to intercede. Where upon the idiot boy part of my brain said, "In our house, I would have kicked the offender in the nuts and as they were still curled in the fetal position on the floor  leaned over them and said, 'See, if you had been wearing it appropriately and not chasing me, that wouldn't have hurt you.' She laughed disbelieving and I had to convince her that in a house with boys, that is how education happens. There's bruises, often bleeding, sometimes things are broken, just remember, all bleeding stops. And sadly, if we would have been lucky in our household, there would be no more breeding of our family line. But it never seems to work that way, does it? Nope, instead there are now young boys approaching teenagedom quickly. All I have to say to my siblings is, "Remember when you...?"

So, the Little Despicable Me, is in some ways a blessing as well as a curse. For those that love me because of it, they probably see it as all blessing, unless he decides to pick on them.

On a brighter note to things, I have today off. A lovely soft day it is too. It's foggy, with light rain and that easy soft light that comes with that kind of day. I know, any Michiganites are shaking their head at me, but you know what, I think you guys whine just a little bit about your weather. Seriously, you do. I have been told how many times by people "It's so cold this year. Its been such a long winter." Well, I heard that where I moved from got snow on Monday, so deal with it. It's called rain. It gives you trees, grass and flowers that won't grow in either of the two places I've lived for great chunks of time. I mean, just look at this amazing tree I found while walking the dogs yesterday.
Isn't that beautiful. It's covered in these blossoms that are about to open. I know someone will ask, I have no idea what kind it is. Any Michiganites feel free to tell us if you recognize it.
Just look at those colors. The pale grey sky and mists and fogs made the greens pop and the pink much more vibrant than had the sun been shining. I promise you, grey days are a blessing, and enjoy the cool, because when it gets hot, I'll be whining enough for all of us.
These buds are huge, about two inches long apiece. I'm going to have to go check out the tree as the days go by and get pictures of them when they're open. I may have to buy us one for our yard.
Of course, I can see why they whine a bit. When I found the local sports shop yesterday I was looking for a light rain jacket to keep in the car. I couldn't find a single one including the clearance rack for less than $100.00. Seriously. Just a light water proof shell for walking the dogs. That price makes me whine a bit, then I asked the lady who is following me around like I was going to shop lift, if it was made out of real Marmot's.

After leaving the sports shop I stepped into the bike shop next door. When I told them that I was looking to replace my general use Trek 1500 bike I sold in Wyoming prior to moving the young man (clearly fully into the imbecile stage of his life) took me to a bike on a stand with a price tag of $9,999.00. I seriously looked at him and laughed. Then I asked, "Did you not just see me walk around your show room, I know this is the most expensive model in here. Let me tell you something, see my car right there with all the dogs in it? It has a MOTOR. That's right I don't have to pedal it, and I only paid $13,000 for it so what makes you think I'm going to pay you $10,000 for this bike?"

I know, that damn Little Despicable Me. He's always with me. The, and I use this term loosely since he has no idea how to make a sale, "Salesman" seemed offended when I asked if he knew of any places that catered more to family budgets and recreational riders. Needless to say, I doubt they will be expecting return business from myself.

It's funny, I am finding somethings very expensive here. Other things are very affordable. Today I took my car into the local KIA dealer for it's 3,000 mile oil change. Guess how much that cost me. $21.00. That's it. That made Wyoming look expensive. I honestly paid more than twice that for the last one I had to make sure I stay current on my warranty. So I guess it's all in what your in the market for.

I'm still loving this place. I'm enthralled with the rolling hills. There is some flat farm land, but over all it's gentle hills and trees and green. Okay, it's getting green. Summer is going to be beautiful. Seriously people, you have to have snow and rain to have green. It will be wonderful, just remember, at least you don't have to shovel rain. Right? Well, unless you live in Baltimore. Sorry guys, I hope it stops there soon and you can have a break.

Okay, I need to go investigate this park I may have found near our new house with the kids. I just wanted to start out May's blogging with a decent post. Have a great day everyone.


  1. much needed between shift entertainment...thanks. :-)

    1. You're welcome, knew you'd be entertained. The parks a bust. Our houses yard is about the same size.

  2. I love the "Despicable Me" in you!! But is that because I am the mother of boys??? LOL!! Love that tree picture!! What a gorgeous tree!! Never seen anything like that myself!! Glad you are liking Michigan, although part of me wishes you hated it!! ; ) Miss you tons!!!

  3. Hi,
    I suspect the tree is a variety of Magnolia - commonly called "Saucer Magnolia", but, cannot say for certain without seeing a closeup of the bark and leafs.

    1. Thank you, I actually work with someone who has a botany doctorate who confirmed your identification. Thank you so very much.

  4. Like Dinobower, I love you for your Little Despicable Me....but we've had that discussion. I just wish my LDM hadn't decided to depart. Anyhow, when I lived in Kansas, that tree was known as a Tulip Tree and is a form of magnolia [if I remember rightly]. Very beautiful and have a wonderful perfume when they blossom. I loved walking through parts of the campus at Kansas University in the early evening because the scents of the lilacs, tulip trees, and other flowers were just magnificent. Take care - Joe

  5. Your dirty mind - I love it. Keep that sh*t up. I'm so happy that Michigan is treating you well. Hopefully you'll find a sassy group soon who truly appreciate your humor.