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Monday, October 3, 2011

Manners at the Pisser

That's right. We're going to have a little chat about public bathroom etiquette. Now I know this has been discussed on internet sources before, but after leaving a bathroom yesterday feeling dirtier than when I walked in although I had just washed my hands after a quick use of the urinal, I feel like it can't be discussed enough. So... Let's start with the basics.

Seriously, how hard can it be. It's pretty obvious that you either push the button or pull the lever. Especially when at a urinal guys. For F's sake, the lever is right there in front of your face! You retract, zip it up and reach up before stepping back and pull! Don't leave your last nights drunken thick yellow alcohol fragranced puddle for the next person to deal with. It's disgusting. Just flush because if I ever have to wait behind you for a chance to pee and you walk away before flushing, you can sure as hell betcha that I'm going to use the moment to do some public education.

Now, as obviously as this bugs me with a urinal, I'm even more disgusted by the leftovers you find in many stalls. I still recall the revoltion I had one day when I went to use the bathroom at work  and walked into the stall (I really try not to have to use a stall at work but sometimes nature just won't let you clench all day) and found someone else had left behind samples of their diet plan. As I reached over to flush it my name badges clip decided to give up the ghost and drop right in. Granted, at the time I even found it funny as I searched out a rubber glove to retrieve the badge and wrap it in before I could do my own deed. My boss asked me why I didn't just leave it to which I replied, "Are you kidding me? So someone would walk in and think I not only left the mess but then signed my name to it with my badge?" The gals in HR who remade my badge found the whole situation very humorous. I was glad I lightened the end of their day.


How hard is to hit a urinal? Really? It's right there in front of your crotch. If you can't manage to hit the urinals mouth, what does your home toilet look like? If you're married men, please give your wives my sincerest apologies and let them know that I think there are such things as justifiable spousacide.

And if you're one of these guys that can't hit the urinal, you better sit down when forced to use a stall. Granted, I don't like my bare skin to hit the toilet seat in public restrooms either, so you have a couple options. Hover, toilet seat cover, the toilet paper draping of the seat, or one that I learned from a lesbian roommate, the iron cross. We'll delve into that a little bit later. But if you have targeting issues, please, just sit and tuck it down before relaxing the urethra.

Before we move on to other subjects, let me share with you this nice little visual chart I found to remind you of some basic bathroom manners in case you can't read (why are you looking at blogs then?) or just that dense and laugh at my comments but don't see how they relate to your own dribbling indiscretions.

And now... Let's discuss some etiquette issues I have before the first flush ever happens.
Considerate Construction:
That's right builders and designers, I'm holding you responsible for tacky and inconsiderate bathroom design that makes bathrooms inherently un-hygenic and/or makes the users so uncomfortable they run like rabbits after barely getting their business concluded and secured behind the zipper flap.

First Item - The trough urinal
That's right ladies... the trough does exist. And I have to admit, this is one of the nicer ones I've see. At least it has a motion controlled drip bar to slowly and gently rinse the urine down the drain. I even see urinal mints! Nothing makes a bathroom smell so nice as a piss soaked urinal mint. Other than a few gallons of bleach and/or a really good fire.

This set up is quite popular with sports arenas and other large occupancy venues. Why you may ask? I haven't a clue but I'm sure it's why the men's bathroom doesn't have the line the women's always does. One look either scares the piss out of you or causes your prostate to seize and makes urination impossible. The only thing scarier is the circular troughs in the middle of the room. Yep, while you pee you get to look right across at someone else peeing or play the "Don't Make Eye Contact" game in fear that someone will think you're checking their junk out. Really designers? You think this is okay? You enjoy using this bathroom your self? If you do I wonder about your sex life. Yes, yes I do.

Second Item - The floor urinal
Other than the lack of privacy I just have a fear of spreading pathogens with these. I have this mental imagery as I pee of the little cloud of mist and spatters by my feet that I then track throughout what ever establishments or homes I go to that day.  I mean really? You piss from a standing position against a porcelain back and it tumbles to the ground. God forbid you drank the 64oz iced tea and have been holding through the end of the movie and have some force behind your release. Yeah that spray back you're feeling on the back of your hand as you control the aim is just in your imagination. That's why dogs take their time smelling my shoes on the street as I walk home. I always just feel the need for a shower and a load of laundry after I've used these.

These are just two of the worst general set ups that I think should be punishable by law. Maybe not the death penalty but I think there should be some jail time, or a lifetime of community service. Some of the other worse set ups I've seen involve the absence of doors. No, not a stall here and there, but all together. In a bar in Fairbanks I went to use the bathroom and found that there was no door from the hallway and as you looked in there was a urinal on the left wall that you could see the guy using it's dangling participle, and a stall with a sit down toilet facing the open doorway. Luckily that bar burnt down... Seriously I had nothing to do with it. Wasn't even in the town when it occurred. I instead had decided since it was a dark winter night I'd have more privacy in the back of the parking lot so I went and winter watered a willow that by it's stunted and gnarled appearance, many others had too.

A Wyoming specific thing I have noticed in the mens bathrooms, are the lack of toilet seat liners. Like I stated above, I am not one who likes to put my bare bum on a public toilet seat. Hell, after a party where I've witnessed my own toilets heavy traffic I don't like to put my bare bum on my own until I've scrubbed and sanitized the bathroom. So why I ask, do we not have toilet seat liners in this state? Granted, I have gotten great lower body work outs as I squat into a hover over a seat and try to relax a specific group of muscles while keeping the rest very tight. I know! Who would have thought there could be Toilet Yoga! If you try this, please remember to put a couple layers of toilet paper on the surface of the toilet bowl water or you get lots of splash... and then you might have well just sat down for the effort.

I was once discussing this issue with a roommate of mine and she told me that she uses the handicap stall so she can utilize the grab bars to do an iron cross over the toilet. Now, said roommate was a little Chinese gal all of maybe 5 foot 2. Doesn't that give you great mental pictures?
Personally, I don't even like to think about touching those bars or the lock on the stall door but when push comes to shove. Oh, but again, don't forget the toilet paper on the bowls surface, although you won't splatter easily into your own clothing since it's all suspended over the floor. You should try it, it's a great workout.

So, builders, designers and contractors, just in case you need a visual, here is the ideal urinal set up.

Granted, I know it's a bit more expensive and I'm sure the solid surface full length dividers are not necessarily needed, but you get the jist, right? Give a dude a little privacy, just a bit and guys, remember to flush. It's right there in front of your face. Just pull the damn lever. I'm watching... Ooooh, forget that, that just sounded wrong in so many many ways and I really don't want to discuss "Water Sports". But just a hint becuase I had to ask, it doesn't mean watching Olympic Mens Water Polo (I mean, who doesn't, right? Especially the underwater camera).

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