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Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Battling the Vicious Hate Spiral

What is a hate spiral you ask? Well, if you have to ask you have never suffered from one and I'm pretty sure most everybody has fallen prey to a hate spiral at some point in their lives.

A hate spiral is that pattern of thought and events that sets up very slyly as you chauk it all up to the beginnings of a bad day. You wake up one day and every little thing goes wrong. You trip over a dog on the way to feed them and kick the corner of the fireplace breaking your little toe before you've mumbled a good morning to anyone. Then when the cat finally decides to show up for breakfast, instead of going to her bowl where she knows you've already filled, she decides to yowl and bitch at you just to make sure that you are aware of her presence. Not that she wants to be answered or even pet. Oh no, she just wants to bitch and you are her lucky audience.

Basically, from here on out the day is a disaster. You drop everything, you are late to everything and the more it goes wrong, the darker your mood becomes. You soon cannot keep it internal. It expresses itself every time you open your mouth. Even when you try to be kind and nice, your face shows or your inflection is edged by it. It is like a black hole that you slowly revolve around, trapped in it's inexorable gravity as you get sucked towards it's maw. The only hope is to be pulled in and shoved out the other side without damaging your personal relations beyond repair.

So today, I gave up. I am full on its grip and have tried as much as I can to just stay away from others. I've taken steps to reduce the hate spirals effects on others and fallen into it with only the hope of coming out the other side without dragging others behind me. I've ignored calls, left emails unanswered and have put up a self imposed circle of silence. I've worked in the yard and only taken dogs out and come directly home. Throw in there I've been sick as a dog most of the night and this morning and this week long road of ill feelings has gotten old, and I'm done with it. But there is light. I took the time to notice what this weeks rain has done to my yard between trips to the bathroom to throw up even the water I've tried to drink today.

The onion flowers are out.
The grape is slowly unfurling it's leaves.
The original locust tree seems like it may actually bloom and the beginnings of leaf buds are starting to show on the new one. And the lilacs have bloomed...
I'm having a hard time with that one because I'm allergic to them. They smell lovely and I wish that I could enjoy them, but more so, I wish my entire yard was not surrounded by them.
Yes, surrounded. Alas this is one of the things I was trying to miss by an early spin day. Since I have not lucked out with missing this and I have no hopes of being beyond the grasp of the aforementioned spiral; there will be no such spin day at my house this weekend. Add on the fact that many have holiday weekend plans, it seemed and ill fated plan to begin with.

I hope all are enjoying their springs and if you have lilacs, may you love yours more than I mine. Get out in that yard before it's too hot to enjoy. I wonder if it's the warmth and humidity getting to me or if I am having one of those mysterious "painless migraines" I've heard about. Because a migraine aura is kind of what this feels like. Maybe I'll try taking some of my Imitrex just to see if it makes any difference.


  1. hope you are feeling more perky!! such a great word...we aren't at flower stage yet...soon i hope! just realized solstice is fast approaching and we haven't even greened up!!

  2. This is why I take Effexor!! It is a unique feeling knowing that you are metaphorically ripping the throats out of your loving family and feel like you are standing on the sidelines powerless to stop. Although my doctor says it is PMMD, I just think as I get older my patience with everything is rapidly disappearing!! Feel better my friend!!

  3. Hey, Q...Sorry that things are going so rough right now. Hope things turn around and you get back to your perky self soon. Wouldn't have been able to come spin but that's ok. There's always later. Take care of yourself. - Joe