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Friday, July 29, 2011

Sometimes I Just Can't Help Myself

We went to the movies tonight to watch "Bad Teacher" in an effort to re-wire my sleep schedule back to night shift. Honestly we should have waited for it to hit the bargain theater and only paid $3.00 per ticket. I haven't seen that many boob shots since watching Short Bus. At least Short Bus had enough male frontal nudity to offset it all. But who wants a movie critique, God knows I'm no critic nor ever felt the need to be paid to share my opinion and I got lots of laughs from the nasty humor so it served some purpose.

When I went back to the concession counter after finding our seats the young gal who had admitted us had a young male with her behind the counter. As she wrung up my iced tea she was fiddling with a string on her finger and told her co-worker that some guy had asked her what she was worried about forgetting. The young man seemed stump until she held of the finger and said, "Because of the string?"

He then nodded and asked what the item was she was concerned about and she replied it was just a quick accessory she added earlier. I just couldn't help myself... I swear, I have no idea where this crap comes from.

I stated, "Depending how cute he was I would have said something inappropriate."

They both kinda looked at me in a look that manner others may have interpreted as, "Old man, keep your mouth shut, we weren't speaking to you." I took it more along the lines of, "Oh wizened one, expound on your knowledge of such things." I often mix up those two teen aged expressions. They're so similar. They should really stop going on sarcastic looks and just open their mouths and speak. Of course, I did that often as a teenager and it rarely worked as I thought it would... I'm sure there's a lesson there somewhere.

Regardless, I stated, "If he was cute I would have said, 'It's to remind me to use protection next time.' and if he wasn't so cute and kinda creepy I would have said, 'To remind myself to use that special crab killing shampoo when I get home tonight'." It took that heart beat for them both to laugh. You know that moment. That, "Oh my balls on the floor, did he really just say that?" skip of breath that's just long enough for you to think, "Oh shit, I said that out loud didn't I?" I find that really the only thing to do after the awkward laugh is to shrug and grin as you walk away.

Really, I swear I don't know where such thoughts come from in my head. I don't! My ex R. We'll just call him that should he ever read this, often would hit me in the shoulder in public places and say, "People don't say that shit." Where often my reply was, "Really? Well, I just did." I think I embarrassed him a time to many. Well, there were many other issues in that little trip down relationship lane, but he was often horrified by thoughts that I assumed a lot of us had. I just seemed to have a filter issue. As in, maybe I didn't have one?

Bob fortunately seems to often find great humor in waiting for what's going to possibly fly out of my mouth. When we first started dating he lived right around the corner from this great little grocery store with a Kaladi Coffee bar and Deli. One night after a hike with the mongrels we arrived just before closing and ordered a couple of sandwiches. They had already started to put away some of the stuff so the kid behind the counter (I'm just going to say it, The boy was odd. Not just a little either. That dirty I only work so I can afford the membership fee for World of War Craft and my high speed internet connection kind of odd) had to pull some stuff out. It was traditional with the sandwiches to have chips and a pickle spear. He asked us if we wanted the pickles. We both have a thing for salty pickles... Go where you may with that, such desires seem to have brought us together, so we said, "Yes, thanks." Before you know it the kid is on the floor digging under the counter in the refrigerated drawer and I couldn't stop it. I turned to Bob and the lady who had gotten there after us and stated, "Figures he'd have to get on his knees to get the pickle."

The lady kind of gave me that slow "Get on his knees?" blink, and the kid looked at me like he didn't understand the comment in the least. Meanwhile poor Bob had to walk into the produce section while I paid and collected said sandwiches and pickle spears so as not to laugh rudely in the kids face. It was at that moment that I thought, "This may work." You should have seen him at the Safeway checkout when he opted out of donating to Prostate Cancer research after just the week previously he had made a donation to Breast Cancer research. I thought that kid was going to crawl into the cash drawer to get away from me.

Truly I don't mean to be such an ass. In my own head, the comment seems so benign and humorous. Maybe after five years working ICU, my sense of appropriate humor is too skewed to be a good judge? I think it started long before that though. When I got pulled over for the first of my two speeding tickets the poor cop was horrified when he had asked me had I ever been stopped for speeding and I responded, "No, Sir. Congratulations, your my first." I didn't wink at him! I did stop that little compulsion. For Christ Sake. He had just returned from running my license and registration, he knew I had never been pulled over before. He deserved a little sarcasm. Of course, when he had originally come to my window and asked me, "Do you know how fast you were going?" My original comment was, "Well since you had to pull me over, I'm going to take a wild guess and assume I wasn't paying too much attention to my speedometer." Some cops have no sense of humor what-so-ever. The only people with less are airport security. When I had to go to Ft Lauderdale for work and was returning to Casper, I got chosen for the full body X-ray machine thing. They honestly asked me to take off my hat. I know I got that look on my face and before I could suppress it I asked, "Are you serious? Your about to X-ray me and be able to see my junk to make sure I don't have a hunk of C4 behind my left nut but I need to take the hat off?" I was worried momentarily I was going to have to relax my sphincter while grabbing my ankles and imagining wide open spaces. Learn to laugh a bit people.

So, to those two teenagers tonight I offer an apology. It may be some form of Tourette's Syndrome. Or maybe my mother just did a lousy job raising me because I always said what she was thinking and she was too busy laughing to get mad at me. The first time I remember her having a hard time keeping a straight face is when I was four and she heard me tell my brother who had called me a retard that he was the peanut in my poop that scratched my butthole on it's way out. If only she knew what a sign that was of the things to come. Really guys. You should at least be allowed to go to bars legally before you ever have to think about that "special crab shampoo" that makes you feel anything other than special while your using it. Just remember... Rinse and Repeat.

As for R... I hope you finally grew a set and can find some humor where it's due. It was funny dammit. And if she wasn't going to wear a bra and her boob fell out while showing us to our table I was allowed to comment on the nipple ring. She shared first.

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